Migraine Musings
I got my first migraine when I was 6 years old and I had no idea what was happening. I knew that my head hurt more than anything had ever hurt in my life. I knew that none of the medicine my parents gave me helped. I also sensed that it wasn’t a one time thing. The pain eventually drove me to throw up for hours. After that I fell asleep and woke up groggy and weak.
That was 22 years ago.
Now, before you comment asking if I have tried this treatment or read that book or seen this specialist. Yes, I have. Trust me. I have seen doctors of every specialty. I have consulted chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, naturopaths, and specialized clinics. I have had blood drawn and scans taken. I have read the books and tried medications for prevention and acute pain relief. I had neurosurgery five years ago to help relieve pressure in my skull. My doctors and I have established a good care plan. I appreciate that you want to help but that’s not what this post is about.
This post is about what I have learned having a chronic illness and how it might impact our experience in the world today.
Now, I wrote this blog post earlier in the week and it ended up being longer than about half of the papers I wrote in seminary. Oops!
So, instead of just one post it will be a five part series titled; “Migraine Musings: What Headaches Have Taught my Heart.”
Buckle up.
Lesson 1: God does not create Pain or Suffering
“ God saw everything that He had made, and indeed, it was very good.”
One thing about having a chronic illness is you spend a lot of time asking “Why?”. Why am I the one with migraines? Why is my body so much more sensitive to things than other people? Why did this happen? Why don’t the medications work? And on and on and on.
People sometimes try to answer the why questions with phrases like: “Everything happens for a reason,” “God never gives you more than you can handle,” or my personal favorite, “God is testing you.”
No. No. No.
In order; No, it doesn’t. No, God doesn’t. No, God isn’t.
Some people think that God created the world and then left us to our own devices. This is called Deism. God is a clockmaker. He created the mechanisms that run the world: gravity, humans, fire, etc. And then left it to run itself. For some Deists God occasionally might intervene to fix one particular broken piece but not often and only for the big stuff.
Others believe that God is like a puppet master. Pulling all the strings behind the scenes so that everything happens just the way God wants it to. When we hear that God is omnipotent and all knowing we might assume God is sitting at some control panel making sure you go this direction on this day so that you run into your soulmate or that a car runs into a puddle for some very specific reason. Often people who follow this line of thought believe that humans influence God’s decision making through prayer and good works and sinful action.
There are also about a thousand other more nuanced metaphors and belief systems in the world besides these two. I name these ones specifically because I honestly think people tell me God gave me migraines because God being the source of my suffering is better than God being absent from it. The thing is those aren’t the only two options. God doesn’t have to cause my pain in order to be present with me through it.
In Genesis we hear repeatedly that what God creates is good. What God does is good. That we, as the likeness of God, are VERY GOOD.
Spend enough time in pain; spend enough time trying different therapies and medications and treatments; spend enough hours laying awake in skull shattering pain and you will come to understand that no good and loving God would do this to a child of His making.
The same God that went to the cross for my broken and sinful self is not going to push some celestial button bestowing pain on me.
Honestly, in the 22 years I have experienced migraines I haven’t answered all the why questions. Sure, I now understand what I can do differently to avoid triggering headaches and what treatments help. But, why my body operates this way? Why I was born with a lower thresh-hold for these triggers? I will probably never know. I do know it’s not because God wants me to suffer in order to grow in trust or be an example of faith amidst suffering.
There are some really good reasons to examine the cause of this pandemic. Beyond just the virus 2020 has revealed huge discrepancies of race, class, gender, employment, sexuality and politics in our world. It has forced people to face the systemic problems in our society. Asking why is important, but, don’t, for one minute, think that the answer to why is that God is testing us. Or worse, that God created any of this suffering as a response to one specific group or person’s shortcomings. We punish ourselves. We inflict enough damage on each other through our sin and our selfishness. Implying that God is hurting us as some twisted lesson or punishment is hurtful and wrong.
After years of asking the why questions it comes down to is this; I believe that God created me and you and every other person and thing in this world. I believe God loves all of us unconditionally even with all our failures. Some suffering in the world is caused by human failure. Other pain has no known origin.
Faith allows us to live into those unknowns. Trust in God means simultaneously discerning how we perpetuate pain in the world and allowing for some “whys” to remain unanswered.I get that it’s easier to say that God just did these things rather than examine our own part in the broken systems. I know it is simpler to believe that God makes bad things happen than to acknowledge that there are some “whys” that never get answered. But easy untruths are not better than honest unknowns.
So here’s the truth I leave you with today: God does love you. God did not make this happen. God will be with us every step of the way.